Marriage: Love for a lifetime, not for the moment

OPINION:

New York-based marriage coach Peter McFadden recently wrote, “Marriage, it turns out, is one more school you need to graduate from — a school of love — except you will never graduate from marriage.”

As I reflect on my life and marriage and talk with friends in long-term marriages, those words ring incredibly true.

While Mr. McFadden sees marriage as a school from which you never graduate, I also see it as a race you need to run until you reach the finish line. A successful marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

Unfortunately, many couples think that simply saying the words “I do” is the finish line. They have an idealized view of a life with no more problems, conflict or challenges.

Saying “I do” is only the starting gun for the race ahead. In some ways, marriage is an obstacle course to be carefully navigated to avoid the traps that can bring it to a premature conclusion.

A good friend of mine who did not get married until his late 30s remembers the culture shock he went through when, all of a sudden, he and his new bride started sharing the same home. They faced the additional challenge of having his new wife’s 6-year-old daughter from a previous marriage. About a month into the marriage, he began to wonder what he had gotten himself into.

Thankfully, the couple weathered the storm because they knew their marriage was a lifetime commitment. They treated their initial conflicts and struggles as learning moments. Now, 29 years later, through all the peaks and valleys, their union is stronger than ever.

In fact, they now counsel young couples. My friend helps young, recently married men navigate these early, challenging days of marriage. When he hears them share the struggles they face as newlyweds, he can relate and share the wisdom he has gained.

Sadly, many young adults aren’t even getting out of the starting blocks when it comes to marriage. They are waiting for the perfect, idealized time when they think all their “ducks” will be in a row and they and their spouse will waltz off into the sunset to live “happily ever after.”

There is no perfect time to get married. What is perfect is God’s provision of the partner he intends for you for life.

My friend recently counseled a man in his early 30s who was responsible, handsome and doing well professionally. Many young ladies wanted to date him, but he always had some excuse for not wanting to make a commitment — whether it was that his career wasn’t quite where he wanted or he just needed a little bit more education.

It was sad. This young man lacked the proper perspective on marriage: that it’s a relationship that would grow as he and his spouse navigated the tumultuous early days and would provide a strong foundation for a long-term, satisfying union.

He was missing the greatest blessing God could give him — a love for a lifetime — because he was focused on the love for the moment. There is never a time when everything is going to be perfect, and the marriages that go the distance are the ones that realize this and persevere when things are less than perfect, whether it’s finances, parenting challenges or, for many my age, taking care of elderly, declining parents.

All relationships, but particularly married ones, will have their difficulties. They will have times of plenty and of want. There will be times when one or both parties are unsure they can keep running the race because they are fearful of the obstacles ahead.

Still, they keep running, and by doing so, they and their relationship continue to strengthen, not atrophy and die. As Mr. McFadden puts it, “The purpose of marriage is to challenge you to grow as individuals and together as a team.”

If we see marriage as a continuing learning experience instead of a final exam, we will have marriages that last. It’s much more fulfilling to run the race of life with a partner than to run it alone. It is truly, like James Dobson wrote, a “love for a lifetime.”

• Timothy S. Goeglein is vice president of external and government relations for Focus on the Family. He served as a special assistant to President George W. Bush and as a deputy director of the White House Office of Public Liaison. His latest book is “Stumbling Toward Utopia” (Fidelis Publishing, 2024).