OPINION:
A few years ago, a good friend of mine was having dinner with a friend. As the two enjoyed their meal and conversation, my friend noticed a father who had just arrived with his teenage daughter and was sitting nearby at another table.
My friend thought at first, “Isn’t that nice? They are having a daddy-daughter date.” Then he noticed the father take out his smartphone, start scrolling and completely ignore his daughter.
The pain on the girl’s face was quite evident, and my friend’s heart broke for her as she sat in silence, watching her father value his phone screen more than an authentic relationship with his child.
Finally, she sighed, pulled out her phone and started scrolling. The chance of any human connection between parent and child was lost.
My friend’s story came to mind after I read a recent piece about how some parents are farming out their responsibilities and relationships with their children to others.
The problem with the father-daughter interaction my friend witnessed was not with the daughter. Her father had obviously elevated his personal interest in whatever he was looking at on his smartphone over his relationship with her, and thus she followed suit and tuned him out as well.
Unfortunately, many parents have abdicated their relationships and authority over their children, choosing to farm out both to others. That’s why, as the New York Post recently reported, parents are spending upward of $8,000 to help their children become less addicted to screens, yet many parents, like this father, suffer from screen addiction themselves.
As it has been said, actions and values are “caught” and not “taught.” Digitally addicted parents create digitally addicted children.
Other paid “services” include things that parents normally taught their children, such as throwing a ball, riding a bike or packing a lunch — all things parents used to do normally in slowly preparing their children for adult life.
So, why are parents outsourcing their responsibilities and authority? Because, like this father, they have chosen to invest in their own personal interests rather than the well-being of their children.
Of course, whenever something is broken, it creates a vacuum filled with two extremes. On one end are the parents who are totally disconnected from their responsibilities to their children and basically ignore them. On the other end are the parents who will not let their child grow up and take adult responsibility, leaving them in a suspended and dependent childhood state.
As reported by my friends at the Colson Center, a recent survey found that 77% of Gen Zers surveyed brought a parent to a job interview, 53% have their parents speak to their hiring manager, and 73% have parents help them complete work assignments.
Thus, in both instances, whether it be ignoring children and outsourcing parental guidance and communication to pursue personal interests or not allowing our children to grow up and take responsibility for their lives, the true role parents play in a child’s development has been abdicated.
Either one is ultimately destructive to the child and to our culture as well.
I cannot help but think about that young lady in the restaurant who wanted a human connection with her father and got nothing but silence. She will likely end up unable to have a healthy relationship with any man or will make choices she regrets to get any man to take notice of her.
On the other hand, nothing is sadder to see than the 30-year-old trapped in an arrested state of childhood, unable to fend for themselves in the real world, and dependent on parents and, eventually, the government for managing their lives.
There is great truth in the words of Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
It is our job as parents to train up our children through communication, guidance and eventually letting go so they can flourish and thrive. When we do so successfully, they will become confident and responsible adults. If we ignore them or continue to do everything for them, they will not.
Parenting is not an option to be dismissed, nor is it an option to smother children and keep them from becoming flourishing adults. By investing in our children’s lives instead of our personal interests and at the same time letting go when it is time to let go, we will have not only healthier adults but a healthier society as well.
• Timothy S. Goeglein is vice president of external and government relations for Focus on the Family. He served as a special assistant to President George W. Bush and as a deputy director of the White House Office of Public Liaison. His latest book is “Stumbling Toward Utopia” (Fidelis Publishing, 2024).
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