Why young adults need Dating 101

OPINION:

Brad Wilcox of the National Marriage Project recently wrote, “The value of a young marriage doesn’t just matter for young adulthood. It extends into mid-life. … I cannot imagine mid-life without [my wife] and our kids. This is another reason that I tell my students they need not wait until 30. If you find the right person in your 20s, don’t hesitate to commit — or risk missing what may be the most important opportunity of your life: building a marriage and family.”

He made the comments at a time of a “dating recession,” as described by the Institute for Family Studies in its 2026 “State of Our Unions” report, which said young adults are fearful of making commitments.

What’s causing this recession, which is leading Americans not to pursue serious relationships in their early 20s? Surprisingly, it’s not economics, as many would believe, but rather a lack of self-confidence.

The Institute for Family Studies survey found that only 1 out 3 young adults are confident in their dating skills. In addition, 74% of young women and 64% of young men reported that they had either not dated or dated only a few times in the past year.

At the same time, these young adults expressed that they wanted a serious dating culture, not casual dates or hookups, that could lead to a committed relationship and an emotional connection that would culminate in marriage.

The disconnect is that many of these young people have no idea how to date or what to look for in a potential partner, and few feel confident enough in their communication skills to move a relationship beyond shallow conversation.

This is especially true in a world of smartphones and virtual relationships, which tend to isolate people, negatively affecting their ability to engage confidently in face-to-face interactions, especially with the opposite sex.

Thus, young adults need a crash course in what I would call “Dating 101.” The best instructors are those of us who are older and can share from our experiences, both good and bad, and how they helped us learn what to look for in a spouse and to have the self-confidence to not become easily discouraged when things may not work out the way we want.

In so many ways, learning to date is like learning to ride a bicycle. Like a young child who needs to take baby steps first, with training wheels, many young adults need a trusted mentor to encourage and guide them through the process.

One of my dear friends and his wife do just that, and they are seeing the young adults they interact with make good choices as they help them learn from their bad choices. They also see that they lack confidence in interacting with the opposite sex, especially in a dating context.

Sadly, many young adults “fall off the bike” after their first failed relationship and never get back on. One young lady they know has never recovered from her first failed dating attempt and, now in her mid-30s, is realizing she has missed out on opportunities.

What do these baby steps look like? First, it means putting the smartphone away and, in the teenage years, doing things in groups with members of the opposite sex to learn how to interact without the pressure of moving a relationship immediately toward marriage — a prospect that can be frightening for those who need to build self-confidence first.

After those steps are conquered and teenagers and young adults feel comfortable relating to one another, the training wheels can come off, and they can start looking ahead with their eyes focused on the road ahead, such as what to look for in a mate, something that can be learned only through healthy, and sometimes failed, one-on-one interactions with the opposite sex.

These steps need to be taken in the late-teen and early-adult years. Unfortunately, for many, these steps do not occur until they are in their late 20s, if at all, and they miss out on the joy that the survey authors call “one of the richest experiences humans can have — romantic love and long-term marriage.”

This is how we will help end America’s dating recession: by creating an environment that inspires personal confidence and meaningful relationships rather than one that instructs young adults to scroll through endless anonymous dating profiles on apps that encourage neither. It is that type of environment young adults crave and need guidance to help find, and one that will lead to younger marriages and the value they bring.

• Timothy S. Goeglein is vice president of external and government relations for Focus on the Family. He served as a special assistant to President George W. Bush and as a deputy director of the White House Office of Public Liaison. His latest book is “Stumbling Toward Utopia” (Fidelis Publishing, 2024).