Why women are struggling with marriage

OPINION:

“To the extent that some women are staying single because this is what they want, that’s great,” says Melissa Kearney, an economist at the University of Maryland. She adds, “But we have to take seriously the likelihood that many are doing it as a Plan B because they’re not finding what they’re looking for, and that should make us concerned.”

That quote brought back memories of a story relayed to me by a good friend who had a young lady whom I will call Emily on his staff.

Emily was in her late twenties, came from a great family, was intelligent, and was beautiful inside and out. She wanted to be married and start a family. She was what many men would consider “a catch.” But she was finding herself having to look at Plan B because her “Plan A”—to be married and have a family—was becoming increasingly frustrating.

As she would tell my friend, she was tired of dating men who were “man-children,” as she called them – those who had no interest in marriage, family, or a career. She found that men her age were more interested in video games than women unless it was for having sex.

Thankfully, Emily did meet a man who respected her purity, desired to get married, have children, and be a good provider. Today, in her mid-thirties, she is a wife and mother of two children, and she continues to work from home assisting various non-profit organizations. She loves her life as a result.

Unfortunately, other women in their late 20s to early 30s continue to struggle, and some have given up hope. A 2022 Pew survey of single adults found that only 34% of single women were looking for romance, compared with 54% of men.

A recent Wall Street Journal article titled “American Women are Giving Up on Marriage,” which features the quote by Ms. Kearney, touches on several reasons why women are not getting married – whether it be trouble finding a suitable man or choosing a career over marriage.

Disillusioned with the current state of what they perceive as suitable and available men, they say they are more content with singleness than their male counterparts.

However, that may not be the case. As my friend and his wife counsel young women who yearn to be married, they find that discontent arises because the men they meet are immature or only interested in sex. Because they have not found someone like Emily eventually did, they have become tired of waiting and have chosen to be self-sufficient and career-focused instead.

For instance, in January, the American Enterprise Institute (AEI) reported that 55% of singles are pessimistic about finding a committed partnership, with 57% of single men and 54% of single women pessimistic about finding someone they would be happy with.

Yet a 2024 Gallup Poll found just the opposite—that married people are far happier than those who are single.

So, why the dichotomy? Why are women not getting married? And why do both men and women believe they cannot find someone they can marry and be happy with – even though the Gallup Poll would seem to indicate the opposite?

Ultimately, the evidence points to the radical changes in male-female relationships over the past several decades. The sexualization of our culture has elevated physical appearance – rather than personal character – as the most desired trait for both men and women in a potential marriage partner.

As a result, good men and women who would make great marriage partners are rejected because they do not measure up to the culture’s fixation on physical perfection.

Secondly, while cultural changes have provided women with positive educational and career opportunities, they have often come at the expense of men. More women attend and graduate from college, while the numbers of men continue to decrease. As the AEI study found, college-educated women are looking for college-educated men and finding a shrinking pool of prospects.

Men, in most cases, are innately wired to be providers and protectors. When they are told, particularly by academia and cultural elites, that these roles are no longer needed, they either respond by becoming passive (withdrawing from college, for example) or, on the other hand, overly aggressive in re-establishing their role and making women feel devalued.

This, in turn, has led to women, who desire responsible and mature men and believe the cupboard is bare, torn between their desire for marriage and family and a culture that has told them they can “have it all” and looks down upon them if they do not.

While I am not calling for the return of the day when women did not have the opportunities they have today, I am asking us to re-examine what has caused women to struggle with marriage to find men who will be loving and committed husbands and fathers.

As my friend and his wife have found in their discussions with young women, they still hope, deep down, to find “Mr. Right” someday. However, “Mr. Right” will remain elusive if we elevate appearance over character and perceived personal fulfillment over shared responsibility.

But suppose we return to prioritizing character, responsibility, and balance in male-female relationships. In that case, I believe women will be like Emily—truly “having it all” and finding the proper balance between marriage, family, and career. They will once again embrace marriage rather than run away from it.

That will benefit not only them but also our society.

• Tim Goeglein is Vice President of External and Government Relations for Focus on the Family.