OPINION:
I am 59 years old as my fingers tap out these words. But, in dad years, I only recently turned 15.
As a man without biological children, I had by 2009 shed the hope that I would ever celebrate as anything but a son the holiday we mark this Sunday. But then she turned up, followed by another she with her own him and her, and now Father’s Day is one of the most blessed days of my year. It’s everything I ever wanted, and so much I never knew I could want, let alone have.
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It all started for me – please give me the benefit of the doubt that I’m not a creep after I finish the end of this sentence – when I met a 16-year-old girl on Facebook. As part of my job at Focus on the Family, I perused social media to see what was being said about the ministry and its founder, Dr. James Dobson. I discovered a page called “James Dobson – Fighter for the Family,” a passionately written celebration of the help Dr. Dobson offered to couples in their marriages and parenting and the bold stands he took for Christian values in the public square.
There was just one problem. The photo the site used was outdated. I wrote to the administrator and offered an official current headshot of Dr. Dobson. The administrator, who told me her name was Heather, was thrilled to get the picture, and mentioned she was a 16-year-old high-school student. That’s when I mentioned I wanted to speak to her mother.
That is also when a sweet relationship began to develop between Heather and me. Since she and her mom were such big fans of Focus, I flew them to our headquarters in Colorado Springs to meet me and enjoy a little vacation. It was Heather’s first time on a plane. She and her Mom met for an hour with Dr. Dobson.
During their visit, and in the months that followed, Heather told me some tough stories about her upbringing and the challenges her family faced after her parents split. Her mom encouraged me to come alongside Heather as a father figure, and I tentatively began to offer her whatever steadying hand I could. I was overjoyed every time I could do “dad” things for her – like gift her with diamond earrings on her 18th birthday.
While she was in college, I brought her back to intern at Focus in my division, and that summer sealed our bond. I have little recollection of precisely what we talked about “off the clock” (except that she tried to turn my musical tastes from classic rock to hip hop) but I will never forget how we talked about it all – with transparency, authenticity, laughter and prayer. I offered her an ear, some counsel, love from the father’s heart she had birthed in me. She became what I still call her: my heart daughter. My first Father’s Day card was one she made – knowing I’d never had the joy of receiving one before. It remains one of my most cherished possessions.
Not long after she returned home from her internship, Heather got engaged. She called to ask me to give her away at her wedding. I have made a living arranging words into sentences for four decades, and I still can’t do descriptive justice to how it felt walking her down the aisle. She and her husband, Jesse, have gone on to have three children. The middle one is named Benjamin Gary. All of them call me Grandpa Gary when we see them, which has happened often.
But God wasn’t done with me on the fatherhood front. I met my wife Kelly – remet her, actually, since we were friends in college back in the 1980s – in 2016. After connecting again, we discovered we were still friends … and much more. We were married the following year; we didn’t just form a couple, but a family. Kelly’s two children, Alyssa and Hunter, were teenagers then – and I have had the honor as their stepfather of helping guide them along the onramp to adulthood. I’ve told them many times that they keep making me fall down the stairs – because I don’t see the “step.” Alyssa’s Christmas present to me a couple of years back bore the gift tag “To Dad, From Daughter.” I just teared up again typing those words.
Becoming a father – with all the appropriate adjectives – late in life has given me a clearer, simpler appreciation of what dads really want on Father’s Day. Here are three quick tips, sons and daughters, which will cost you not a cent that I know will make your dad’s holiday special:
1. Make an effort to spend time with him. It doesn’t have to be a dinner out, or a concert or movie. You don’t even have to buy him a gift. Just show up at his house – or set aside an hour or so in the house you share. And just catch up. Face to face. Recall fond memories. Update him on what’s happening in your life. Tell him about the new movie or TV show you’ve recently seen and why you liked it or didn’t. Just show that you enjoy being with him. And leave your cell phone holstered. He wants, more than anything, your undivided engagement.
2. Ask him for advice or share with him a struggle you’re having. Dads never grow tired of helping their kids. Being able to is like the NOS that gets injected into the engines of the cars in “The Fast and the Furious” films: it’s a shot to our “I matter” motor. A few months back, Alyssa was going through a temporary financial crunch, and I didn’t try to solve it for her, only made sure she knew I’d be there to do so if it became necessary. The conversation ended with me kissing her on the cheek and saying, “You will always have a safe place to land here.” Her hug back was a bit tighter and a bit longer than usual. That’s the greatest blessing a father can receive.
3. Share with him what he’s said to or done for you that you’ve never forgotten and/or which has helped make you a better person. My own dad, from my earliest days, was comfortable giving voice, as well as action, to his love for and support of me. It allowed me to be, as cliched as culture would like to make it, “in touch with my emotions.” It has granted me lifelong permission to share from my heart. I thanked dad for that, for breaking free from the self-imposed emotional chains that bound many men of his era, scores of times before he passed away in 2021 at age 93. He smiled proudly pretty much each time I said it.
“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,” the Bible says in Psalm 127. It goes on to add that “Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” I have lived that promise in the most remarkable, miraculous ways. So, take it from a dad who figured he’d never be one until he was halfway through his 40s: Your time is the best Father’s Day gift you can give.
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Gary Schneeberger is the assistant to the president for media relations at Focus on the Family.
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