OPINION:
Dear Mama Bears, I am concerned about my daughter. The people she hangs out with do not have a Christian worldview. When I mention to her how bad company corrupts good character, she responds with “how can I be salt and light if I’m not around people who aren’t Christians?” I know she has a point and that we are called to be in the world, but I see them having a greater influence on her than she has on them. How can I talk to her about this? – Stuck In Between, New Mexico
Dear Stuck: This is a question that many parents have — even for ourselves. We cannot deny that being salt and light means a willingness to enter into places of decay and darkness. But how can our kids tell when their desire to be “missionaries to the culture” is just masking a greater desire to fit in with the world?
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Luckily the road from being in the world to being of the world has markers. Kids are notoriously unself-aware. Praise your daughter for her desire to impact her culture for Christ, but walk her through some of the stages to expect if she is being less-than-honest about why she has the friends she does.
Stage 1: Spiritualization stage
While some people are genuinely trying to be salt and light, others are just “spiritualizing” what they already want to do and who they already want to hang out with. This could mean that there’s a group she is already drawn towards but doesn’t know why. You might ask her some questions like: “Is there a reason you are wanting to be accepted by this group?” “Do you feel more comfortable being around/talking to the people in this group than you do other Christian kids?”
Her problem may not be that she is captivated by the world, but rather is having difficulty making friends with other believers her age. If this is the case, it’s best to address it sooner rather than later. Feeling disconnected from other church kids may be a clue to other issues that your daughter doesn’t know how to verbalize.
Stages 2-3: Desensitization and normalization stages
Most kids who grew up in the church find pop culture both shocking and exciting because it’s been “forbidden fruit.” Or, it may be a relief to be around kids who aren’t “trying to be good” all the time. The jokes and the language are different from what he or she grew up with. However, the longer they are around these influences, the less shocking the behavior becomes (desensitization) until eventually, these Christian kids doesn’t even notice it anymore (normalization). Discuss what a callous is and how it prevents us from feeling things we previously felt. It can be hard to tell when we’re not responding to something anymore.
Make sure she knows that you’re not advocating for “pearl clutching” every time someone drops an F-bomb. But we must acknowledge that: as Christians with the Holy Spirit living inside of us, crude talk, sexual jokes, drunkenness, and other immoral behavior should cause us discomfort, whether we let it show or not. If we no longer have any internal reaction, we are either advancing down the slippery slope of becoming like the world or it’s possible that we are not actually a Christian to begin with (which is a whole new question to answer in another column).
To figure out if she’s entered one of these stages, ask your daughter questions like, “How do you feel when your friends are participating in activities, conversations, or media that is inappropriate?” or “What do you think being salt and light looks like when you are around people engaging in that behavior?” If she feels nothing or thinks being a bystander without participating in the behavior is enough, she may have advanced through these stages.
Stages 4-5: Participation and instigation
These two stages usually occur when a person isn’t even trying to be salt and light anymore. The person goes from laughing at the jokes to telling the jokes. Instead of pretending to ignore profanity, they are using profanity. In order show God’s love, we need to go to those who need Him the most. However, we also have a duty to be honest with ourselves about what level of temptation we can handle.
In general, we always want to praise our kids for wanting to minister to those who are often ignored by other youth group kids. We must, however, also remind them that their mission cannot be at the expense of their own character. Following Jesus is inherently offensive to those who do not follow Him. Sometimes it’s the hypocritical churchgoer who is offended by our radical love for people. Sometimes it’s the worldly non-Christian who is offended at our radical hatred of sin. The only person we are not to offend is God, and we please Him by offering His love and light to the world while remaining untainted by the world. It is always a both/and.
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Hillary Morgan Ferrer is Founder and President of Mama Bear Apologetics and coauthor if the bestselling books “Mama Bear Apologetics: Empowering Your Kids to Challenge Cultural Lies” and “Mama Bear Apologetics’ Guide to Sexuality.” She has degrees in both film and biology and spends her time as an author, speaker, teacher, and apologist encouraging others to discern culture from a biblical worldview.
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