OPINION:
Most of the problems in our society today are rooted in problems inside the home.
For the last three plus decades, I’ve been part of an organization dedicated to helping couples with their marriages and parents with their children. There are all kinds of things that lead to thriving families, much of it predicated on marital commitment. But one area that doesn’t seem to get enough attention is the value of couples developing and maintaining healthy friendships with other couples outside the home.
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“There is no possession more valuable than a good and faithful friend,” wrote Socrates. The Dominican friar Thomas Aquinas agreed. “Friendship is the source of the greatest pleasures, and without friends even the most agreeable pursuits become tedious,” he reflected.
Married couples need to spend one-on-one time together to be healthy. But they also need a community of couples who positively influence their relationship.
That’s because your marriage is not an island. You need to interact with other couples – to invest in their lives and for them to invest in yours. This is especially important because so many people live far away from members of their extended family and can’t benefit from their influence. If you don’t have family support, the influence of good friends is invaluable.
That’s why it’s so helpful to double date with other couples. There’s no hard-and-fast rule for how often but making one out of every four dates a double date is a pretty reasonable goal. If you date your spouse once a week, that’s one double date a month. If you and your spouse only go out once a month, you’ll still squeeze in three double dates a year. That may not sound like much, but don’t underestimate the impact these moments can make.
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But there are other ways to cultivate these special friendships. My wife Jean and I have been part of a book club for years. We’d get together once a month or so over dinner to discuss the reading. As a father of two growing boys years ago, getting through titles like “War and Peace” and “Anna Karenina” proved challenging. I appreciated the books, but it was the fellowship and camaraderie that we cherished the most.
Relationships with other couples can help keep your marriage healthy, but they’ll be especially invaluable if your marriage hits a rough spot. During troubled times, couples tend to isolate. Friendships will give your marriage a strong shoulder to lean on and help you get through the painful times you’re facing.
The wear and tear of everyday life can take a toll on your marriage. On any given day you may face challenges in your faith, church, extended family relationships, recreation, sexual intimacy, friendships, household responsibilities, finances, hectic schedules and a never-ending stream of parenting decisions.
It’s a relief to know you don’t have to shoulder all the burdens alone. At our “Hope Restored” marriage retreat centers, counselors have found there is power and healing in a group dynamic. Husbands and wives who are on the brink of divorce gather in a room and share the various issues they’re navigating. We’ve found that burdened couples gain strength and perspective from other burdened couples. For the first time, many discover they’re not alone.
That’s because we were designed for community. As individuals and as couples, we need the support and influence of others – and you can find it in the form of healthy friendships outside the home.
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Jim Daly is president of Focus on the Family and host of its daily radio broadcast, heard by more than 6 million listeners a week on nearly 2,000 radio stations across the U.S. He also hosts the podcast ReFocus with Jim Daly.
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