What the Bible says about living together before marriage

Commentary

By Mike Novotny – Special to Higher Ground - Sunday, April 7, 2024

OPINION:

I once forced ministry leaders to take a theological stand on a personal issue of modern times. The debates that followed were interesting.

Option 1 – Living together before marriage is wrong. No matter what a couple does or doesn’t do under the same roof, sharing an address before marriage is sinful. Option 2 – Living together before marriage isn’t essentially wrong. You may or may not do wrong things while living together, but the act of sharing an address is OK.

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As Christians, living together before marriage is something we need to figure out, because it‘s become the new normal, even in the church. The debate continues among families, friends, and Christians.

A 2019 study of 18- to 49-year-olds revealed that for every one person who thinks living together is bad, five to six believe it is good. This seems logical. Divorces happen for many reasons. Why not live together first to avoid a failed marriage? Living together can save money and be convenient. So, many would claim, it makes sense to spend time cohabiting before taking vows.

But if two people are in love and love God, there are two questions they need to answer before living together. First, will living together make them happy? Second, does God see living together as holy? If our goal is to have happy, holy homes, we need to know the Bible’s answers to these questions.

Does living together make couples happy?

According to recent research, couples who marry without living together trust each other more, are more satisfied with household chores and their sex lives, and are more likely to be faithful and raise healthy children.

There’s a logical, biblical explanation for this. Living together might look like an unofficial marriage, but it’s missing the most important part — the vow. When a couple lives together, they have not taken a vow. They are viewing their relationship in a way that violates the essence of marriage.

God says this about marriage: “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:33). Notice what word isn’t in this verse — If. Marriage isn’t, “I love you, but if I’m not happy, then I’m moving out.” It’s not, “I love you, but if you don’t do enough for me, we’re done.”

The vow of marriage is not, “I will if,” but simply, “I will.” I will love you (period). Marriage is unconditional love with no asterisks, a vow to be together until death.

Living together comes with a thousand “ifs” and zero vows. That trains people to treat marriage like a contract and not a covenant.

The risks outweigh the rewards. Studies and Scripture are clear: “If you want to be happy, wait until you’re married.” While it won’t be convenient, the wait is worth it.

Does God see living together as holy?

I’ll be straight with you. In the entire Bible, there isn’t a verse that says, “You shall not live together.” But this verse deserves our consideration: “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral” (Hebrews 13:4).

“Marriage should be honored by all.”

Some say, “Marriage is just a piece of paper.” Hebrews 13:4 forbids such a view. Marriage is God’s idea. It shows up on page one of the Bible and is a frequent theme in Jesus’ teachings.

“And the marriage bed kept pure.”

God gave us marriage and the marriage bed. Sex was God’s idea! And he put a sign on the bedroom door — Reserved for marriage.

“For God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”

The marriage bed is no joke to God. He doesn’t laugh when singles sneak into that reserved room. If an unmarried couple lives together, they won’t be holy. If they share the same bed, they are not keeping it pure. So while no passage bluntly says, “Thou shall not cohabitate,” there is: “God will judge the sexually immoral.”

What if we’ve already sinned?

Hebrews says God will judge “all” the sexually immoral. So if we’ve already sinned or are living in sin, what do we do?

We run to Jesus in repentance, confessing that we loved convenience more than Jesus, money more than our Maker, our wants more than God’s will. No excuses. We own it and repent.

This is my favorite part: Jesus forgives us. He opens his arms to all who come to him broken and remorseful. Hebrews 13:8 tells us that the Jesus who forgave sinners 2,000 years ago is still at it today: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”

Jesus’ cross doesn’t have an expiration date! The blood that he shed makes us clean and pure. It makes us enough for God.

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Mike Novotny is an author, pastor, and speaker who holds a Master of Divinity from Wisconsin Lutheran Seminary and a Doctor of Ministry from Trinity Evangelical Divinity School. Mike is the lead speaker for Time of Grace, a global media ministry that is committed to ensuring that God’s grace—his love, glory, and power—is accessible around the world. In his latest book “Taboo: Topics Christians Should Be Talking About But Don’t”, he covers deeply personal, vulnerable, and emotional topics, handling them with grace and respect. “Taboo” is a must-read for Christians looking for a biblically based resource to modern questions.