OPINION:
I was 15 years old when I found out that I was pregnant. I wanted to keep my baby from the moment that I knew. I thought that abortion was wrong even when I was a little girl. Still, I was so scared to tell my parents because I didn’t know how they were going to respond to the news, and I was right. My life took a turn for the worse after my parents found out.
I come from a culture where pregnancy outside of wedlock is an absolute disgrace. My dad seemed to take the news the hardest, and I saw him turn into somebody who I didn’t even know anymore. My mom was torn between my dad wanting me to have an abortion and my fighting against that demand.
My parents had taught me that abortion was wrong, so I was devastated when my parents reacted the way they did. As the days passed, the pressure to get an abortion increased.
What my parents didn’t know then, is what I know now. Abortion doesn’t help you. Abortion hurts you. It hurt me, both physically and emotionally, and it has taken me years to recognize that pain and heal from it.
It took two attempts to complete my abortion. The first time I went to a clinic with my mom. I remember looking around the room and seeing all of the young women there doing the exact same thing that I was doing, and it made me so upset that I began to cry.
And so I was taken back early, where I was given an ultrasound. I wasn’t supposed to see the monitor, but I was able to turn my head to just the right position to see my baby. I saw the fluttering heartbeat. And at that moment, I just started to cry again, because I knew that I could not follow through with it. That car ride home was terrifying.
The second time, they took me to a different abortion clinic. I was so numb and emotionally detached from the situation that I just wanted to get it over with. This time, after signing a few papers, I was taken to a room and strapped to a bed. There were two workers on each side of me holding my hands when the abortionist came in. He did not look at me. He did not speak to me. He simply committed the abortion and left the room.
At both abortion facilities, the staff did everything they could to dehumanize my baby. They said that at 8 weeks old, “it was very early, and not developed.” Or that it “resembled an alien more than a human.” That’s simply not true. The day my baby died, it had two arms and two legs. Ten fingers and 10 toes. A beating heart. It was a baby.
I remember hearing my baby being sucked out of my womb and into that machine, and it was extremely painful. The tears were just streaming down my cheeks. I had no words, and I felt such shame. At home, I bled extensively and experienced painful cramping. I remember rocking back and forth on the floor to ease my pain and just crying. When I went back to school, I tucked that secret deep down inside of me. As many post-abortive women do, I tried to move on and pretend that it never happened. But that’s the thing about abortion — you never forget.
I started to struggle with self-confidence issues that I had never had before, along with anxiety and depression. I lost my appetite. I felt at times like I had no reason to live. I began to think about committing suicide all the time. After graduation, I tried numbing the pain with alcohol. I had to stay busy, never spending time alone so I wouldn’t recall my experience. Looking back, my abortion did not make my future better. It hurt my future. It also stole the life of a precious human being that I could have known. That’s something I can never change.
I’m grateful that I was able to settle down and have a family, but the abortion continued to haunt me. All of my subsequent children were born early, in particular my first daughter, whom we almost lost. My doctor questions whether my previous abortion was the cause. Years later, the physical and emotional pain of abortion remains. But there is hope and healing.
Even though I was blessed with a beautiful family around me, there was still an empty hole inside of me. With the help of women from my church, and by the grace of God, I was taken on a path of healing through post-abortive ministry, book study and counseling. There are dozens of amazing organizations out there that support post-abortive women like me through this process.
Today, I am thankfully healed from the pain of my abortion, but I want everyone to know the truth. I can’t stay silent. I am grateful that Live Action is platforming me and dozens of other women to tell our true stories of abortion trauma. Abortion is not the empowering experience the media would like you to think it is. It’s not exciting, easy, or painless. And you don’t walk out of that clinic unscathed. So please, don’t walk in.
• Serena Dye partnered with the national human rights organization Live Action to share her story. Additional testimonials, videos, and Live Action’s latest report on abortion regret can be found by visiting CantStaySilent.com.
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