New book shares pastor’s battle with bipolar disorder

Scott Box thought everything was going smoothly in his life as a Christian pastor, husband and father — but some annoying thoughts kept tripping him up.

The Oregon-based faith leader, who has led evangelical music ministries for 25 years, said he couldn’t get rid of the nagging idea in young adulthood that he was smarter and more creative than everyone else.

And that feeling of superiority nearly ruined his marriage.   

“Up to when I was diagnosed bipolar at age 30, life was pretty much hell for us, but I didn’t want to give up parts of hell,” Mr. Box, 45, said in an interview.

“I felt like I was moving at a speed the world could not keep up with.”

In his new book “Heroic Disgrace,” the married father of two tells the story of how his faith in God and professional treatment got him back on track.

Married at age 22 to his wife, Kariann, he said their life was chaotic for three straight years as he gained 80 pounds and lied to her about his online pornography habits.

As a result of his alternating depression and mania, he said he weighed 300 pounds for five years before losing it again.

“I had a lot of destructive self-loathing,” Mr. Box said.

After seeing a therapist for two years, he said she diagnosed him with bipolar disorder, a mental affliction of extreme mood shifts once known as manic depression.

“I was riding these giant highs that were blissful, then dipping into these gigantic depressions, and they cycled,” Mr. Box said. “We didn’t identify it and it was very difficult.”

But even after the diagnosis, he resisted being referred to a psychiatrist for medication to regulate his moods, thinking it was “gross” and a sign of weakness.

That’s when prayer led him to give up trying to control the situation.

“The miracle of my mental illness is that bipolar disorder forced me to rely on Jesus in a way I didn’t know I was designed to do,” Mr. Box said. “I was trying to live this heroic life as a self-made, self-reliant man before I came to that realization.”

That dependence made him healthy, the pastor added.

“God makes healthy what he doesn’t heal,” Mr. Box said. “Health is always an option even when healing is an absurd possibility.”

In the book, he offers his story to non-believers who doubt the power of faith and to Christians who doubt the ability of professional treatment to heal emotional disturbances.

“If my carotid artery was spewing blood because I was bleeding out from an injury, I would want you to get me to the doctor,” Mr. Box said. “I would appreciate your prayers, but only after you take me to the doctor.”

He now strives in his ministry, Worship Hero, to be a witness of faith for others who struggle with similar demons.

“I’ve got bipolar disorder, but I’m healthy because I’ve chosen a lifestyle modeled after Jesus, who depended on God his father for everything,” Mr. Box said.

Today he says he looks at life through the resurrection of Jesus rather than through the filters of the hell he once lived through.

“If I can model this for my wife and children, maybe God will take this to the next generation,” Mr. Box said.