USA Today wraps Wednesday edition in joke ‘Back to the Future’ cover

The Cubs win the World Series, cholesterol may in fact cure cancer and rehydrating pizza slices can be deadly.

All of this according to the gag cover of USA Today featured prominently in a scene from the 1989 film “Back to the Future Part II,” in which Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) and Dr. Emmett “Doc” Brown (Christopher Lloyd) travel forward in time from 1985 in an effort to keep Marty’s son (Mr. Fox in another role) from going to jail.

The date of their arrival: Oct. 21, 2015.

To celebrate “Back to the Future Day” Wednesday, the publication will be wrapping up its morning edition in the gag cover from the film.

Other laughable headers of the faux front page include “Public more gullible than ever,” “President says she’s tired” and “Atrocity Channel’s immolation special gets super hot ratings,” an eerie predictor of our fascination with ever-more-outlandish reality shows. There’s even an in-joke BTTF reference to Marty’s dad George’s sci-fi book, “A Match Made in Space,” being made into a film — for the second time.

While “Part II” largely missed the mark on accurately predicting 2015 technology — what with its flying cars and self-drying clothes — it was largely on point foreseeing a bombardment of attention-nabbing personal electronic devices, video conference calls, tired, endless movie sequels (“Jaws 19,” in which “this time it’s really, really personal”), nostalgia culture (an eatery called Cafe ’80s) and hoverboards. One character is even seen typing into a device that looks suspiciously like an iPad.

In the film, Marty Jr. is tried and convicted of a crime within hours of being arrested thanks to, as Doc observes, the abolition of all lawyers in the 21st century, something 2015’s bevy of law school grads might take issue with.

What director Robert Zemeckis, who wrote all three “Back to the Future” films with Bob Gale, also failed to envision was that newspapers would be all but an afterthought in the digital age. Indeed, below the masthead, the joke edition of USA Today says “3 billion readers every day” — a number that most publications in real-life 2015 might be hard-pressed to grab over the course of several years.

But what of that prognostication that the Cubs would finally, finally bring home a World Series ring this year? The long-suffering Chicago ball club last won the world championship 107 years ago, in 1908, and hasn’t even returned to the World Series since 1945, the year World War II concluded.

The last time they came this close to the National League Championship was in 2003, when they were but two outs away from the pennant when fan Steve Bartman notoriously interfered with outfielder Moises Alou’s attempts to catch a fly ball from Florida Marlin Luis Castillo that veered to the left field wall. A thoroughly steamed Alou then stammered and screamed at Mr. Bartman in the stands.

While Mr. Bartman has been somewhat unduly vilified — even to the point of death threats and going into hiding — the Cubs, due to their own poor playing following the incident, went on to drop that game, and the series, to the Marlins, who wound up taking the Series against the New York Yankees.

The Cubs are currently down three games to none against the Mets for the NL pennant following Tuesday’s 5-2 loss, with Wednesday night a must-win game at Wrigley Field. Hopeful Chicagoans anxiously wait to see if “Back to the Future” got it right or if it’s yet another heartbreaking year of the same old Cubbies.