OPINION:
Smokey the Bear may be getting as soft as a marshmallow in his declining years. No longer content to stamp out forest fires and warn campers to field-strip their cigarette butts, the old growler yearns to be a chef, perhaps with his own show on the Food Network.
Smokey celebrated National Roasted Marshmallow Day (who knew we had one?) by presenting a new recipe for s’mores, that time-tested snack of a Graham-cracker sandwich of chocolate and marshmallow. Thousands of campers from 8 to 80 could tell you that a s’more, which dates from the 1927 Girl Scout handbook, is as close to perfection as a messy eater with chocolate sauce in his whiskers can get.
The U.S. Forest Service put out a press release with instructions on how to make a s’more without chocolate. The official U.S. government alternative is fruit, which the Forest Service says “cuts down on the intake of sugar.” It’s “healthier” that way. But who wants healthy when marshmallows and chocolate are available before a crackling fire? That’s bad enough. Would a self-respecting brown bear give up chocolate?
But there’s more. “Another way to limit the amount of marshmallows is to substitute marshmallow creme, a spreadable version of marshmallows that helps you more easily regulate portion. [Who wants to regulate portion?] For healthier treats, use large strawberries, apple slices, banana chunks, pineapple or other fruit … . You’re still having campfire fun [we are?], but the focus is on a healthier evening snack.” There’s no mention of broccoli, but it sounds like something only Michelle Obama and her confederates in school-menu planning could love.
The plot to ruin s’mores has obviously been plotted with the care that Douglas MacArthur took with the campaign to recapture the Philippines. “Fill the Graham crackers with slices of pineapple, or bananas, and use angel food instead of Graham crackers.” Angel food? Who are these nuts, and how did Smokey fall in with them?
But before heading off to the farmers market to get the exotica to ruin s’mores, a politically correct camper must stop by the hardware store to get “a roasting stick of at least 30 inches in length.” Best not to fake it. A forest ranger, if not Smokey himself, will soon be along with a tape measure. Next up, a ban on beans (to curb methane emissions), and they’re pondering a ban on snipe hunts.
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