Sage Advice

Advice compiled and condensed from actual sources by Kelly Jane Torrance, who composed the questions.

It seems I’m always getting into some kind of trouble. But this time it’s not my fault - really!

I was having a great time at a party in Manhattan recently, when I saw a woman in distress. Designer Jack McCollough rudely bumped into my friend Brooke Shields. I’m an old-fashioned kind of guy. You don’t treat women that way. I decided to give him a lesson in manners by head-butting him into submission.

Now I’ve been charged with assault in the third degree after the guy claimed I broke his nose in multiple places. Don’t you think this jerk deserved to be taken down a notch after showing some less-than-chivalrous behavior to a very classy woman?

- Kiefer Sutherland

Dear Kiefer,

Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.

- Benjamin Franklin

I don’t really like a lot of what’s written about me in the papers - but this time, I’m cross enough to sue.

I’ve filed a lawsuit against the Daily Mail over an opinion column. The writer was annoyed I said I don’t go to the gym, keeping in shape just by working out with 20-minute Pilates DVDs at home. I am looking rather well these days, I have to admit. This writer couldn’t believe I got this slim without hard work. She actually had the gall to accuse me of lying!

As I said in my filing, I was distressed and embarrassed by the piece, which is hurting my personal and professional reputation. Sure, I might have told Oprah Winfrey that appearing hot on-screen naked was “worth all the pain.” But I’m known as a woman who speaks up for normal-sized women, so I can’t have people insinuating I got my new Hollywood figure by, well, being Hollywood.

- Kate Winslet

Dear Kate,

Men blush less for their crimes than for their weaknesses and vanity.

- Jean de la Bruyere

Like everyone else, I’m getting tired of the economic climate. Not the recession itself, but the fact it means bling isn’t cool anymore. I’m tired of apologizing for spending my hard-earned money on gorgeous clothes and flashy jewelry.

It’s really frustrating that I’ve been criticized for my upcoming four-night gig at the Wynn Hotel in Las Vegas. I want to do something splashy - you know, kick it Vegas-style. Attendees have to buy their tickets to the show with a two-night stay at the hotel. I’m releasing very few tickets without a hotel stay - and those start at $250 and go up to $1,000.

What’s wrong with rocking it old-school, pre-recession-style once in a while?

- Beyonce

Dear Beyonce,

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit.

- W. Somerset Maugham